escape from the shadows
midday memories
i understand more about love than they ever will
i have seen things their souls, their beings, their lives, may never hope to seek as much as i wish i could share that beauty with them i’ve felt the most unbelievable highs the most devastating lows changing the glimmer in my eyes. the glint of the sunlight reflects anew in a new maze of refracting feelings within my heart and mind bouncing, changing, shifting as it dances between the depths of my spirit. they don’t know what it is to love like i have; the true kind of love not their patriarchal disney fantasy, nor the fetishization, born purely out of insecurity but never met with reality, but something much more something that cascades beyond the immediacy of feelings one given depth by the sands of time an understanding born through love and suffering the dialectic of their struggles, at the end of two divergent paths i am proud to have walked i stare into the sky and the sun and the stars and i see more than i know they ever could because a denial of that beauty is core to their being their honorable pact with solitude. they disengage and run because they prefer not engage with it. and maybe i was once like that too always like that even. running from my feelings but no one is fast enough. not even for a moment can you outpace its shadow just if you never look behind you, you’ll think you’re ahead. when i ran the race i always nervously glanced to my side and even when i run and take my spirit out for a jog i know it’s there with me as i stare beside at my wake. at some point i let it catch up i talked to it let it drink the tears from my eyes it hurt like nothing else but it gave and took the most terrifying thing of all, myself. and thats something they could never do all they want to do is run never without the arrogance to pause to do more than just look back to sit down to have a conversation with the darkness, to understand it even in a maze of therapeutic affirmations ideologies of love and care the most complex understandings of the world their feet never stop moving blind in their chase of light. is it privilege to continue running this race to never stop moving? complacently along the conveyor belt no matter how transgressive your treads? it is amazing how one can say everything but understand nothing speaking behind the mask of empty eyes it is the deep black of the pupil that captures light and you can read as much as you want without letting it in some people cant afford to keep running they don’t have the energy the means to cope with an anesthesia. there is nothing respectable about struggle if you do not confront it if you twist it into a tool for your own false peace. so many beautiful souls prisoner to their own infatuation with solitude never looking down despite everything just because they can. because the option to live a life with nothing numb, full of the material struggle and pain but entirely avoidant of anything existential is more appealing than being human. it is not to be robotic. it is a far more insidious facsimile of personhood one driven by its own contradictory delusions, the want to feel but the refusal to a belief that happiness is the absence of pain rather than the peace with it. after all, if you feel nothing how can you be unhappy? surely contentment is the default they stammer, running an endless course imagining a finish line while remaining utterly incapable of conceptualizing it maybe one day we’ll meet again when you’re done running and give your legs a rest and start exercising your heart. maybe someday ill catch up to you or you’ll walk back on your trail curious about what you missed along the way. until then i’ll always remember the way you denied my love without resentment a lesson to me, a picture by the campfire. reminding me of the beauty of its cascading shadows and the time we shared. until then, i’ll save a seat for you in the woods waiting to embrace you happy in the darkness under the light of the stars.
good job
This made me cry